
THE SPIRITUAL LIFE OF A MANIC DEPRESSIVE
BY
PILGRIM SIMON
A PERSONAL TESTIMONY OF LEAVING CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISM
‘The spiritual life of a manic depressive’ may be quoted for non-commercial use in any form (written, visual, electronic or audio) up to and inclusive of 2000 words without the express permission of the author, providing that the total does not amount to more than 25% of the total text of the work in which they are quoted.
For commercial use all rights reserved. No part of this manuscript may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, or by any means, (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
COPYRIGHT ROBERT LAYNTON (2009)
P______ S_______ was a graphics computer operator for 33 years. In his late thirties he studied with the Open University and obtained a Bachelor of Science honours degree. He subsequently gained a Certificate and Diploma in Counselling. Since his early fifties he has worked in a retail store. He enjoys photography, jazz, crime novels, tracing his family tree and Badminton.
I was born in 1951, in the north Midlands of England the only child of working class parents living in an industrial town. I remember my childhood as happy and secure. I went through the then-usual gamut of childhood illnesses – measles, mumps, chicken pox and so on. There was also a period when I had scarlet fever and was placed in an isolation hospital for three weeks at the age of three and a half. This was quite a traumatic experience for an only child of this age and did leave a few problems in later life, such as overwhelming feelings of isolation even on a crowded room. It was an experience that proved to be interesting to explore as part of my self-development in my counselling studies years later. I went to the local school with my friends and played in the local park. There were day trips to the coast and holidays in Wales. Neither of my parents were churchgoers, though they considered themselves to be Christians and encouraged me to go to Sunday School like many parents did with their children in the mid fifties. I had attended the local Church of England Sunday school (St. J____) as an infant, and during a period of unhappiness there when I was about six or seven years old, I was encouraged by my piano teacher to go to a local Congregational church which I attended until I was about twelve years old. I remember having a respect for church and I refused to fool around or misbehave in church like some of my friends but nevertheless, by the age of twelve I found the whole thing very boring and drifted away. That was in 1963. I was not a ‘sporty’ child – I hated football and cricket – and was a thin boy, slightly underweight and slightly shy and introverted.
My first experience of what we might call mental disturbance was at the age of ten or eleven. In those days, in England, a school exam called the 11-Plus was a very important milestone in a child’s education. It consisted of a day of exams – in maths, English and so on – that determined what level of education the child was to progress to for their secondary education in their teen years. Failure to pass the exam meant that one was sent to ‘senior’ school – grouped together with low achievers who would eventually go into some sort of lower paid manual work. Success in the exam meant entrance to a grammar school or high school – with more opportunities, higher standards, and therefore an opportunity to obtain a higher quality job or profession – even a chance at University. The pressure to pass this exam was quite intense in those days, and all school work was geared to rehearsing the kind of questions and answers needed to pass this exam. Parents put pressure on their children to succeed and to gain opportunities for a better job in the future. My parents were by no means excessive in this, but encouraged me to do my best. Due to the date of my birthday within the year, I was one of the youngest in the class and at this age, that year makes quite a difference in one’s maturity, skills and abilities. In this, I was at a disadvantage. Neither am I quick learner – it takes time sometimes for ideas and concepts to sink in, thus, I was at another disadvantage. Nevertheless, I got a reasonable result and went on to a Technical High School. But the pressure was undoubtedly there and I certainly felt it. For a few days during this period, I went to bed and my parent’s activity around me seemed to ‘speed up’. I guess I was suffering from some sort of feverish activity in my mind – feeling overwhelmed, mithered and distracted by this general pressure. It felt very disturbing and I would not go to sleep on my own for about a week. The experience only lasted for a few seconds or a minute, but was a little frighteneing for a 10/11 year old. It was bad enough for me to be taken to the doctors by my parents, but it was dismissed as a reaction to the pressure of this 11-Plus exam and after a few days, this mithered distraction passed. I believe now that this was my first encounter with a borderline manic episode.
My first encounter with Christian fundamentalism was at the age of 16. Fundamentalism is term that covers both religious and secular areas, but I use the term here with reference to Christian protestant churches which insist on the inerrancy of the Bible. They contest that the Bible is the inspired word of God, and that therefore it is without any mistakes or errors, Thus they use the Bible as their authority in matters of faith and conduct, with frequent appeals to it’s texts and verses. Despite their shared this view of Biblical inerrancy, different fundamentalist churches hold to different and even opposing views. This is because these churches emphasise different verses of the Bible and draw out different interpretations of Biblical passages. Thus, though sharing a common belief in Biblical inerrancy, these groups have different systems of government and practice, and draw out different systems of belief. Some are Arminian, some Calvinist; some believe that extraordinary gifts like tongues prophecy and healing continue today, whilst others do not; some are democratic, some are not. These groups include Christadelphians, Pentecostal churches, both Elim and Assemblies of God, Brethren churches and Evangelical Reformed churches, which may be Baptist churches or local independent churches.
By 1967, a new minister, B_____ T_____, had arrived at the local Congregational church following the merging of the Congregational church with the local Railway Mission, whose building had been burnt down. Many of my friends were impressed with this new Pastor, a young man in his early twenties who came from a working class background in Manchester and was fresh from Bible College. He developed an instant rapport with the young people and the church youth club had grown in popularity as a result. It was about six months after his arrival that I started to attend the youth club with my friends. Being a church youth club for the youth of the church, it was expected that those who attended the youth club should also attend church services or Sunday school on Sunday mornings. No one ever challenged me on this, but I felt obliged to attend church and began to do so, a little begrudgingly since the youth club seemed worth it. I attended with an open mind, considering myself a Christian, with the same sort of respect that I used to have before. Over a period of six months it became clear to me that the message being preached by this new minister was different from what I had heard before. These sermons were preached from the Bible passages and texts and it appeared that they were faithful to these verses and passages. The messages declared that I appeared to be in danger of a 'lost' eternity, because a Just and Pure God demanded that failures and disobedience against God be punished. I saw that my failures and disobedience against God demanded such punishment and weighed against me when put in the balance. I saw the sword of God's justice hanging over me, rightly and fairly because I had offended a Just and Pure God. But I also saw the Love and Mercy of God in the offering of His Son Jesus Christ to take my deserved punishment on my behalf, and therefore an opportunity for deliverance by trusting in Jesus Christ to that effect.
Through August and September of 1968 these things occupied my mind and I sincerely wanted to believe and trust in Jesus and 'asked Jesus into my heart' many times. But I was not sure that I had obtained deliverance or forgiveness. I began to change my behaviour; to shun things that I felt were displeasing to God and to seek to do those things which it appeared that God approved of. At that time I bought a gospel record by Little Richard, the Rock and Roll singer of the 50's. It still remains an excellent Gospel album of spirituals by the likes of Thomas Dorsey. Whilst listening to that album and particularly the track ‘Peace in the valley', I had, for the first time, the experience of assurance of salvation. All of a sudden, I knew that I was going to have 'peace in the valley some day' and that my sins were forgiven and that I was welcome by Jesus. These ideas were no longer theories or doctrines out there, but I felt that they became personal: they applied to me: I had a personal interest in them. I wept with joy as my salvation anxiety fell away and I felt assured of a place in paradise for all eternity. Eternal, Invisible, Spiritual things seemed Real and True to me. This was my ‘conversion’ experience – I was ‘born again’.
I continued to attend church and became enrolled as a member. Some of the young people, myself included, asked for a young people's Bible study. We spent three years going through Paul's Epistle to the Romans once a week. During this period I also to attended evening services and mid week Bible studies. By 1971, I was asked if I would serve as a deacon, a sort of church administrator in more secular matters, which was considered at that time to be a role that lasted one year and which was then open for election again by the membership. Deacons deal with various odd jobs around the church, organised the bread and wine for communion and dealt with things like decorating, heating, maintenance and so on. With some reservations, I agreed. Looking back, this was a big mistake: I was not mature enough or educated enough in spiritual matters, but this was in many ways still a young church and not very large in membership, and the minister had introduced a tremendous sense of community and fellowship. These were happy days for me: full of humour, exploring together, playing together and working together. The structure and organisation of the church was moderately loose and informal and there was room for spontaneity and flexibility.
During this time I developed a growing respect for Scripture, but it was not until two or three years after my 'conversion' that I considered the Bible to be the inerrant word of God. I remember sitting through a sermon on Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 5, where Paul talks about the first and second Adam. The Adam of Genesis is referred to as a real person, not a parable or symbol and it was pointed out that Jesus himself regarded Adam as a real human being. If the Apostles and Jesus the Son of God taught this, then it must be so I thought. This literalism, this dismissing of analogy or metaphor except where plainly intended, such as in parables, is a typical feature of Christian fundamentalism. The creation story in Genesis for example, is often taken quite literally by fundamentalists, who often believe in a literal, seven 24hr day creation of the universe and a young earth only tens of thousands of years old rather than millions or billions of years old. I was no exception and it was arguments like this coupled with an increasing faith and commitment that moved me to an acceptance of Scripture as God's inerrant Word and eventually to a position of being a young earth creationist, that is one who believes that God literally created the world in seven days about 6,000 to 10,000 years ago. I was encouraged to lead the occasional Bible study and to preach and these meetings obviously met with some approval since I was asked to preach and lead again at various occasions.
By now I was also beginning to seriously read Christian books. I had read introductory booklets to the Christian faith, but over a few years I had begun to read more deeply. Christianity really began my love of books and my love of philosophy. Over about five or six years I progressed from booklets, to modern book length studies, to Victorian works and eventually to the writings of the puritans. I sometimes had to have a dictionary on hand as I became aware of deeper, more thoughtful and more ‘technical’ works of theology and philosophy. I developed an increased love of the English language, grammar and the preciseness of the use of words in philosophy. Trips to second-hand bookshops became a joy.
I continued in this direction for about two years, but by late 1970 or early 1971 I began to suffer from tension and anxiety. The anxiety was what psychologists and psychiatrists call ‘free floating anxiety’: in other words, there wasn’t a particular issue or event that was causing my anxiety, but rather, I suffered from waves of anxiety in which my mind would latch on to some small or irrational concern and blow it out of all proportion. My stomach would tighten and I would get ‘butterflies’ in my stomach. Waves on unsettlement and worry would sweep over me and I would feel distracted, ‘mithered’ and cluttered in my head. It is not clear to me even now what triggered this condition, though it may just have been pressures of work, course exams and so on.
At lunch times I took to going to a local open space and sitting in the long grass for half an hour, to escape the hustle and bustle of the working day. One particular day during the summer, I became deeply aware of the beauty of my surroundings. The sunshine, the tall grass blowing gently in the breeze, the sound of the grass as it moved, the patterns of the wind on the grass and the peaceful solitude all conspired together to produce in me a sense of natural harmony and simple beauty that seemed richer and fuller than I had ever experienced before. This open space seemed like a little paradise on earth, pure and unspoilt, and I felt deeply calm and peaceful and sensed the power and beauty of the God who must have made such harmonious nature.
However, my anxieties continued and I visited my doctor who prescribed the then wonder drug of Vallium. I was to learn ten years later that this drug causes me to become depressed about twenty-four hours after taking it. At this time though, I thought my depressions were a reaction to my anxieties. This condition was bad enough for me to be absent for a few days from work occasionally and generally disrupted my life making me introspective, lacking in confidence and morose.
The world sometimes appeared to me to be a scary, unpredictable place and there was a feeling of things being slightly out of control. It is not surprising then that the issue of whether God was sovereign or not was exercising my mind: Was God in control? Was God effectively ruling the world or had God wound the world up like a clockwork toy such that it was now winding down in it's own way? If God was in control, why was there so much evil and suffering? It was in this frame of mind that I read a book called ‘The sovereignty of God’ (A. W. Pink. 1968). Using Biblical texts, this book proposed that God was indeed a sovereign God, in full control, ruling believers and unbelievers, events and circumstances to accomplish His purposes. As I read this I remember suddenly seeing this sovereignty of God very clearly as True and Real. In what was to be a common factor in many of my experiences, it was as if a door in my mind opened and I saw things clearly. My heightened spiritual experiences often arose from an apprehension of some doctrine in a deeper and fuller way than before. In this case I saw clearly that God was a King of kings, ruling in power: He appeared as truly God to me. I was so empowered by this apprehension of God and the perception that He was MY God and that I was watched over by Him, that I threw away my Vallium tablets, knowing that I had nothing to be anxious about with such a God organising the circumstances of my life. My irrational anxieties were overcome and I recovered from my anxious state.
About a year later I remember coming home from a church service with an increased sense of the love of God towards me. This had probably arisen from something in the sermon, though I cannot remember exactly what now. I walked home in a state of energised praise and contemplation on God and decided, when I got home, to spend some time in prayer. I went to my bedroom to pray alone and was increasingly filled with a sense of God's love for me such that I could no longer put my words together, because the sense of God's love was so great. I lay on the bed enraptured by the immediate sense of God's presence and His loving condescension to me and all I could do was bathe in God's love as I continued in a state of bliss, taken up as it were, to a spiritual realm in close communion with God for about half an hour.
It was at this time that I met my first wife, W___, who was also 'converted' under the church ministry. Though about twenty years old, I was still quite naïve and inexperienced with members of the opposite sex. During my mid teens, many of my friends had started to go to local nightclubs and discotheques, but these never appealed to me. My mother and father had been keen dancers and won competitions. Mt father was a qualified dance teacher. But they liked the Old Tyme and Modern sequence dancing which by the late 1960’s was seen as old fashioned. My parents used to host dancing at a couple of local workingmen’s clubs every week, and as a child I had been taken to these events. By my early teens I grew to dislike the cigarette smoke-and-beer laden atmosphere. I just grew to dislike such clubs and public houses…I never was and never have been a big drinker or a smoker. Neither have I been a fan of contemporary popular music. My tastes turned to mellow Jazz, Blues and Latin music from Brazil, Cuba and Puerto Rico. So nightclubs and discos never held any fascination for me. As a result, the ‘swinging sixties’ partly passed me by and always seemed to be happening ‘somewhere else’. In any case, I always think that I must have seemed a bit of an oddball – wrapped up in Christianity, studious and introverted, not liking modern popular music and still remaining physically thin and slightly underweight. Nevertheless, I was and still remain a bit of a ‘hippy’ at heart – at this time my hair was shoulder length like many other males of my age, I had a ‘goatee’ beard and liked the sanitised version of flower-power and psychedelia. I had met and dated a couple of girls but to my frustration at times, nothing came of these brief relationships. It was therefore natural that I would gravitate to someone within the church circle who shared to a great degree my spiritual views.
At the end of 1971, the Minister of the church received an invitation to pastor a church at Bridgnorth in Shropshire and after prayer and consideration, he accepted. He helped us in our search for a new Pastor and following a few months where the Deaconate looked after the church, our new minister, H_____ M_____ arrived in January 1973. Thus it was that I had found myself leading and preaching in church services along with other deacons during the period between our minister leaving and a new minister arriving.
The new minister, was a different man altogether from our previous pastor. A schoolteacher in his mid twenties, he had come up through the ranks of an independent reformed church at Brighton, where served as an assistant Pastor. Very quickly, the cold wind of a more austere Calvinism swept into the fellowship. Our previous pastor had taken a Calvinist stance, but H_____M_____ introduced a more intellectual and emotionally cold approach and by now, I was already locked into a worldview that had Scripture as God's inerrant Word: an authority that shaped my view of everything. It was no longer an easy thing for me to dismiss apparently Biblically based ideas. The young people's flamboyant humour and the church's free and open structure was interpreted by this new minister as he later admitted, as a form of Antinomianism: too free and liberal in it's approach to morals and having to much licence. Thus a stricter, more disciplined approach began to take shape.
The new pastor had also seen problems in the then-emerging Charismatic movement. This was a movement that laid stress on spontaneity and inspiration in worship and on spiritual gifts, such as speaking in tongues and prophecy. It emphasised the personal experience of Baptism in the Spirit and centred on experience and joyous emotional displays in worship. This movement was critical of what it saw as the cold, dead formality of traditional English church services in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Our new pastor had seen at least one church divided and broken up by this clash between Charismatics and traditionalists and this had produced in him an acute wariness of ‘experiences’ or emotional displays; of hand clapping; chorus singing; tongue speaking or other such practices.
He also a more reasoning, intellectual approach to Scripture, though like all fundamentalists, this intellectual approach was strictly within the bounds of fundamentalist ideology and the Bible as the inerrant Word of God. For example, everyone was encouraged to have their Bible open during sermons so that they could check that what the preacher was saying really was Scriptural. The bookstall was checked to ensure that only 'sound' literature was available, that is, material which conformed to the fundamentalist Calvinist ideology. This was not seen as censorship, but as a preservation of the 'Truth'. It would soon extend to comments made about the sort of books that appeared on church member’s bookshelves, or the sorts of films they went to see or television that they watched. I remember a considerable uproar for example when some of us decided to go and see 'The Exorcist'. The new pastor made it his aim to work through the whole Bible within ten years via the two Sunday services and midweek Bible study, which he succeeded in doing. His aim was to give a balanced Biblical view, not over-emphasising his favourite verses and not avoiding difficult or controversial passages. He soon began to wear a minister’s black gown in the pulpit to help assert his authority and he insisted that he be addressed as ‘Pastor’ rather than by the more familiar and informal use of his Christian name.
A new church manse was built via member's contributions, the men of the fellowship built a Baptistry and the church was redecorated. A church constitution was worked through and adopted, with the authority of the minister or ‘Elders’ being more firmly established together with the importance of respect for and submission to Elders in so far as they follow Scripture. An integrated doctrinal system took shape, based very much on protestant reformers like John Calvin and the high Calvinists like B. B. Warfield and A. A. Hodge. The church became fully independent, not relying on any grants, or on any special meetings which relied on public donations. In this way, it supported it's own full time minister with provision for pension in retirement. 'Unseemly' humour was clamped down on and standards of behaviour began to be imposed which were seen as consistent with Scripture. This imposition was effected in various ways. Members who acted or spoke in an inappropriate way were likely to be taken into the church vestry for rebuke by the Pastor, or later into the Pastor's study, which became affectionately known by us as the 'Sin bin', much to the minister's annoyance. If a member desired to achieve a particular role within the church, they might not get approval from the minister. The shift was made from a spontaneous, natural fellowship to one where the Law of God and the Commandments were paramount. But it was as if the Holy Spirit of God was being denied and stifled.
Matters had to be seen to be done 'decently and in order' - and that is an accurate portrayal: they were only ‘seen’ to be done decently and in order - under the surface and away from formal services, there persisted a quite surreal and zany humour, inspired by such programmes as 'I'm sorry I'll read that again', 'Monty Python', and Spike Milligan’s television programmes. There was often an irreverent and bawdy humour, serving I think as a compensation for imposed decency and order of formal services and as an outlet of our real personalities.
For me, these first few years under the new minister made Christianity become a burdensome affair. The joy and spontaneity that we previously enjoyed was repressed and suppressed and a soberness and seriousness descended on us all. The sense of community continued, as did a sense of achievement and growth. But it seemed to me that if things were bad, or we weren't seen to be enjoying this repressed, formal, legalised version of religion, then it was portrayed by the minister as basically our fault, our sin, our transgressions, our fallen human nature, because, after all, this version of religion was ‘True’, God's Law was perfect and delighted in by a righteous man. The implication was that doubt was being expressed concerning whether we had righteousness imputed by Christ, whether we had integrity, whether we had salvation. We had descended into a legalistic form of Calvinism, one of its heights being the placing in the church hall of a poster of the Ten Commandments. Someone wrote at the bottom of it, 'the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life' (II Corinthians 3 v 6) and other similar verses.
This tension between freedom in the Spirit and the continual application of Law which made me feel guilty and weak as a Christian continued to grow. As an antidote I began to read yet more fundamentalist Christian literature and I was particularly shaped at this time by Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones's writings, especially his Romans 5 volume. I had a number of meetings with the minister, both by myself and with one or two other like minded individuals to try and address our concerns, but the outcome was always the same: no real movement. There was an inability on my part to get him to see the problem, and he had an inability to see the difficulty. Tensions came to a head when a group of us went to an evangelical meeting called 'Come Together' in 1974, they year I got married. This was an American originated evangelism type of event. For the first time in a few years I saw people actually enjoying themselves in worship. Those of us who went to this meeting decided to meet together for prayer, both to get ourselves ‘right with God’ and to pray for the church.
Fairly quickly, house meetings began to be held each Friday evening, though it took some persuading to get the Pastor to agree to these meetings. Though we were not conscious of it at the time, we were setting up a situation where the minister did not have quite the same authority, since the meetings were taking place in someone’s house and not the church. But this was not our intention: we were seeking unity and blessing for the whole group and were constantly seeking to avoid division and schism from the rest of the church membership. These meetings ran for about two years, after which many of the young people who attended got married and moved a bit further away or went to university. These meetings were the source of almost a mini revival for some. There appeared to be at least one 'conversion', a sense of liberty and spontaneity and a deepening of spiritual fellowship and communion with each other and with God.
The weight of concern over the formal, legalistic and dead state of the church was for me overwhelming. I spent much time in prayer, anguish, discussion, frustration, depression, concern and study and for me 1972-75 was a very frustrating and difficult time. I was also struggling with my personal walk with God: various habitual behaviours, which I felt to be displeasing to God and against the code of Scripture, were present in my life and I could not shake them off. I felt a poor and unworthy Christian and sometimes I wondered if I was a Christian at all. The 'Come together' meetings led me to read about the Welsh revivals of 1859/60 and 1904. I wept. Here seemed to be truly joyful and awesome Christian spirituality in practice: here were people moved greatly by an understanding of the Bible and a movement of the Spirit; here was the opposite of our dry state...lively and vital encounters with God. About half a dozen of us set out to pray for revival in our church.
The first Sunday of September 1975, (about six months after the Come Together meetings) was unlike any other. I give two accounts of it below, written at different times and from slightly different perspectives and emphasis, to try and give a flavour of this event:-
Here is the first account:-
This state of affairs changed on the first Sunday morning in September 1975. It is interesting to note that I had been struggling all that summer with a book by Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, an exposition of the Apostle Paul's Epistle to the Romans. (Lloyd-Jones 1974). I had read about a third of the book and somehow could not get past one particular chapter. This was unusual for me: I tried many times to read it, it was not hard, but somehow, my concentration was not there. It was our habit to have a prayer meeting before each Sunday service, to seek God's blessing on the service. I arrived this particular Sunday morning with all these issues still on my mind, and still with a heavy heart for the church. During the course of the prayer meeting, the pastor prayed as usual, but I noticed a change in his words and attitude. Suddenly this man had shaken off some of his legalistic tone and seemed to embracing the Holy Spirit. It was as if I was being transported upwards out of the room. My heart and mind lifted as I was filled with the perception that God had changed this man. I was filled with a perception of the power of God over men's hearts and minds. It was like the floodgates of heaven were opened and a torrent of blessing was poured into my soul. I walked out of the prayer meeting as if my feet were six inches off the floor...I was filled with optimism, expectancy, energy and joy. The service that morning was as many had been before it in form: the pastor briefly opened in prayer and we then sang a hymn. Alas I cannot remember what the hymn was, but it was a typical school anthem type hymn of praise. All I can remember now is that I sang the words of that hymn as I had done many times before, but now, again, it was as if a door in my mind had opened and I perceived clearly and plainly the depth and reality of the words of praise and descriptions of the character of God. These qualities of God, His Power, His Omnipotence, His Love, His Eternity, were so immediately Real, Deep and Powerful, so Clear to my mind that I groaned under the weight of the perception of them and could barely physically stand under the glory of what they described. I could barely sing because of my strong emotions and tears filled my eyes. It was as if God was pouring out not just a shower of blessing but also a flood of power into my soul. At the end of the hymn I all but collapsed into my chair and the minister then lead us in prayer. He was a university-educated man, a qualified teacher, and by no means lacking in eloquence. Even so, the prayer was like many that had been uttered before it, yet this time, my perception of the meaning of the words was so great that I was groaning under the weight of them. Words like Immortal, Sovereign, Merciful, Eternal, Lord, Love, Pardon, Ransomed, Healed, Forgiven, were so Rich and Deep, and I felt their meaning keenly in my heart and mind. I was hardly conscious of anything else. I felt their application to the Church and to me. I KNEW I was saved from the just deserts of hell, and that my heavenly Father who seemed very near and loving to me loved me without question. After the prayer, the experience subsided, the immediate experience lasting about fifteen minutes. I don't think I have ever felt so clear headed and balanced as I did then. The immediate perception was of God's Almighty Power: that at any time, as it pleased Him, He could pour out such a torrent of blessing and turn people's hearts no matter how indifferent or rebellious they were to Him. A revival and awakening could occur in the time it takes to snap one's fingers and the Holy Spirit could pour out his blessing on one or a thousand with irresistible power, and this no matter how dark or oppressive the circumstances seemed. Though powerful, this experience was in no way frightening. It was coupled with such a sublime sense of God's supportive and protective Love that my heart opened and rejoiced in this experience. At no time was I afraid. I should point out also that there was no self-exaltation or pride in this experience. Rather there was an experience of lowliness, of humbleness and unworthiness. This was a gift of God to me, an unworthy and undeserving servant.
Some secondary effects have lasted to this day, others diminished over about six months. Immediate secondary effects included a falling away of the habits that I felt were so displeasing to God. They literally just fell away and had no power or attraction for me for some time. I was given to much time in prayer and conversation with God in much earnestness of concern for others and the church. I devoured as much as I could read on spiritual matters, particularly a number of works by the New England Calvinist Jonathan Edwards. The Lloyd-Jones book that I was struggling with was read within a week, and most interestingly dealt with the very experience I had just received. It gave a doctrinal explanation, and a number of testimonies by other Christians to this experience throughout church history. It gave tests to sift out false experiences, and mine passed every one, so this was a great reassurance to me even though the experience was so direct as to appear to be self-evidently from God. I felt very much the unity of mankind and Christians in particular, for they were bound together by Christ. When I heard fellow Christians in dispute or being sarcastic with each other, my heart was in great pain. I wondered how people could be so cruel to each other, especially Christians and at how lightly they treated God and spiritual things and I wished for Unity and Concord and for my fellow believers to share in the weight of glory that I had seen. I was aware of the Unity of the whole of creation, how everything, and every living creature were important.
Other people saw these changes in me too and commented on my increased seriousness, intensity and involvement. My experience of God during the months that followed rose and fell and then rose again. These were not serious roller coaster out-of-control situations, but a gentle, undulating petering out of the intensity of these experiences. There was one occasion when I set out for work and there was a glorious rainbow in the sky. Again, I was lifted up to God as I considered not only the beauty of the rainbow per se, with it's proportion and symmetry, but also its spiritual significance as a sign by God that He would not destroy the earth by flood. Thus again, qualities of God's Mercy, and Love and the quality of His sign filled my mind and heart and lead me to heavenly contemplations.
Here is the second account:-
I entered the morning prayer meeting of our church anniversary service very much with these concerns on my mind. I had given our Pastor a book to read which seemed to express my feelings, in the hope that in some way, he might perceive the problem. As he prayed, I sensed immediately a difference in his approach. For the first time it seemed, he talked about the presence of the Holy Spirit and the need for his blessing. My heart and mind soared. We entered the service and sang the opening hymn, one of the traditional ones and I had such a perception of the Power and Awesomeness of God, together with His mercy and Gentleness that I could scarcely stand under the weight of such a view. The Pastor then led in prayer and this perception continued with such a weight that I felt completely melted, humbled and in awe. I KNEW the power of God to bring an Instant revival. This experience led to increased study, prayer and diligence. Old habits that I felt God disapproved of fell away for months, yet before, I could not shake them with all my efforts. Bitterness and animosity that had grown towards the pastor fell away and the sense of a need for Christians to unite in love filled my mind and heart. Studies by Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones in Romans 8 seemed to confirm this as a genuine Godly experience and I moved on to study the works of Jonathan Edwards, which had a great influence on my thinking, particularly his works on revival and on the religious affections.
It still remains the most potent spiritual experience of my life.
One of the questions that emerge from this is whether these are genuine spiritual experiences or whether they can be explained purely as products of bi-polar disorder. I was not to be diagnosed as borderline manic-depressive until 2009, and one of the symptoms of mania is a lack of insight into the condition. The person in a manic or hypo manic phase feels great, euphoric, but this appears quite normal and a reasonable response to what is going on to the person themselves, even though others may not be so sure. Are the sort of experiences that I have been describing merely a form of religious or spiritual mania? It certainly never entered my mind that this could be so. But of couse it may well be that I am deluded by these mystical experiences and that I am rationalising them after the fact into an unfalsifiable hypothesis and world-view. It appears that neither side can prove this one way or the other. What I do know is that these experiences have given me depth, meaning and orientation: they have made me feel eleveated and euphoric and I have never felt so clear headed and perceptive as when I have them. Sometimes they have been unsettling and caused a sense of flatness and emptiness at the loss of the experience. They have altered my priorities and made me less materialistic generally and during and near to the experiences, I have become much more altruistic and selfless for example. I believe that though having some similarities to psychosis and some symptoms of bipolar disorder, they are nevertheless distinct from them and for me, as a bipolar sufferer, thay have had a rich, stabilising effect. Whether it is true or not, I believe in the Divine as diffuse literal Spirit/Energy as Essence of all that is and expressed in all that is. It makes me feel orientated, healthy and gives me a sense of purpose.
I have found the following to be true of myself as a bipolar sufferer who has had mystical experiences:
Only small evidence of thought disorder or disorganised thinking. Though entering a receptive or passive mode of consciousness, I am able to return to the active, rational mode of being. There is as a result an integration or synthesis of these two modes of being.
I enter the passive, receptive, mystical mode as a mature adult and return to the rational mode. The experience is trans-rational and paradoxical.
I am able to continue functioning in daily life, despite bipolar mood fluctuations.
I do not suffer from visual or auditory hallucinations.
Mystical episodes are generally brief, maximum about fifteen to twenty minutes.
Mood swings last for about two to three weeks, sometimes, a few months.
I have no impairment to my social relationships beyond my natural introspective nature. I respond empathically to the needs and concerns of others.
I have a history of mental health problems with bipolar disorder.
The mystical event often has a positive outcome, resulting in improvement in my functioning, social relationships and growth. It has a healthy effect.
I am probably one of 0.1% of people who experience mysticism.
I have a supportive social network
The mystical experience is no longer unsettling or disorientating
I have a sense that the material world is ‘real/not real’ whereas Spirit is Real
I have the following indications as common both mysticism and psychosis:
I can enter the receptive mode
The experience appears unmediated or Immediate and Real
There are biological effects in my brain
The content is non-rational and cannot be construed or remains unconstrued
My experience involves a unified perception and loss of boundaries
The boundary between inner and outer can be lost
My experience involves a deeper quest for meaning and stable foundation.
The experience may give rise to a loss or orientation of the self momentarily
I feel marginalized by modern western secular society and fear being marginalized by health professionals
The experience leads to a heightened sense of perception and insight
In terms of mysticism and bipolar disorder:
Both may lead to euphoria, ecstasy, elation and joy, but mystical content is always spiritual, whereas bipolar content is not.
Both may lead to preoccupation and withdrawal, even depression.
The following list gives indications of schizophrenia as opposed to mysticism:
The person's thoughts are not easily understandable i.e. what they say doesn't make sense. They are irrational.
The person has difficulty functioning, or is unable to function, in everyday life: they are stuck in a passive mode of functioning that does not deal with practical issues. They lose touch with material reality and are stuck in a world of fantasy or delusion.
Auditory hallucinations are more common than visual hallucinations.
Episodes are generally prolonged.
Social relationships are impaired due to the person withdrawing socially. They may respond inappropriately to the needs and concerns of others.
There may be a history of mental health problems in the individual or the family.
The person has usually exhibited mental health problems previously.
The event often has a negative outcome: hallucinations and delusions are considered a disruption to the normal functioning of the person's consciousness.
The tendency is one of regression and pathology
1% of people suffer this disorder
They may feel alone and isolated
The ‘ego’ or ‘self-system’ may break down or become fragmented
I think that in these sorts of ways we can begin at least to differentiate a little between ‘madness’, ‘mental illness’, ‘mania’ and ‘manic depression’ or ‘bipolar disorder’ on the one hand, and ‘mystical’, ‘gnostic’, ‘transcendent’, ‘immediate spiritual’ experience on the other. Though there are differences there are also similarities. Some of these issues will be dealt with as we move through this account.
Back in 1975, for me, these were genuine spiritual experiences and were exactly what they appeared to be. They confirmed the theology that I was embracing, reinforced it, established it and made it more deeply Real. In this atmosphere of heightened spiritual awareness, of expectation of revival/awakening, of change at church, and house groups and so on, an interest in spiritual gifts arose. Some experimentation had gone on in the house groups concerning prophecy and a word of knowledge and dreams and revivals seemed to have some of these elements, even with notable puritans, the fathers of present day fundamentalism. Our austere Calvinism considered such influences to have ceased, yet here were some of the people that we looked to such as John Flavel, C.H. Spurgeon, John Knox and Howell Harris encountering or experiencing these phenomena. We attended a few healing rallies, though I came to the conclusion that there was too much show and not enough substance and that these were in some cases positively harmful. I agreed with our Pastor that these ‘healers’ were like spiritual cowboys, riding into town, kicking up a storm and riding out again, leaving damage and lack of spiritual aftercare in their wake. Thus began, in 1976, a study on spiritual gifts that was to continuing into the new millennium. I worked excessively on this study in 1976, to the point of mental exhaustion by early 1977.Too much study had made me mentally exhausted and vulnerable.
Again there are two accounts of this period written at different times. Here is the first:-
Back came the free floating anxiety with a vengeance and following a visit to the doctor, I was on Vallium again. 1977 became and remains the worst year of my life. Vallium-induced depression led me to a foretaste of hell. Many have said to me that they consider this depression to have been a reaction to my ecstatic experiences but I do not accept this. I was simply so involved in intense study that it exhausted me mentally and physically. I overworked, studied too hard, did not give myself proper sleep and found I could not stop, and suffered a return of anxiety states, palpitations and so on. Vallium, prescribed to alleviate this anxiety, plunged me into depression, particularly in the summer of that year. If the ecstatic experiences were a foretaste of glory, this was a foretaste of hell. I was regularly, for hours each day, in a state of anguish, fear, blackness and inner torment. My thoughts, especially during the summer, were often of suicide, but the potential upset of my parents and wife was a restraining influence. An even greater restraining influence at times was the fact that I might fail in my suicide bid – that really would have depressed me. On one occasion I actually seriously gave in to the desire to kill myself. I thought that it was far better to be with Christ, in glory and that all my suffering could be ended quickly. I accordingly decided to kill myself and as I submitted to this desire, the words: 'You are not your own, you are bought with a price' (I Corinthians 6 v10) were forcefully impressed upon my mind. I immediately and strongly perceived the meaning of these words and used them as a weapon to fight off my suicidal desires. This seemed most unusual at the time. I did not realise that the words were Scriptural and could not recall hearing or reading them before. They felt like the words of God to ME. I later realised their Scriptural origin and also realised that I must have read these words before as we had worked through I Corinthians in a series of studies about five years earlier. At times I thought I was going mad, something which I had a real fear about. I suffered from illusions, (a bundle of waste paper in the street looked like a dead sheep). The world seemed mad...with lots of violence, conflict and a breakneck pace. At one point, having barely got through the day, the sheer noise of the dishes being washed by my wife caused me to collapse on all fours deeply sobbing with despair. I could hear this noise and wondered what it was and then realised it was myself sobbing uncontrollably. I stood outsider of myself as it were and could see myself defeated then suddenly being overwhelmed with terror because I thought that men in white coats would soon be arriving to drag me away to a mental hospital. For six weeks I experienced no sense of God's presence whatsoever. No one knew how to help me. This was the withdrawal of the sense of God's presence as described for example in Lamentations in the Old Testament. I felt completely and absolutely alone and frightened. It seemed to me (and still does) that sometimes when a schizophrenic commits suicide it is a last act of complete sanity.
This period ended with another spiritual experience arising from a sermon delivered one Sunday morning by our minister on the text ‘My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?’ I knew that the experience of separation from God was like hell, but then I saw that Christ, who had been in the bosom of the Father from all eternity and who then became the God-Man and suffered this separation at Calvary too, I felt His cry as my own, but new it was infinitely more terrible than my own experience, because I had not dwelt with the Father in heaven. Then I saw that this separation was endured for the elect, that Christ had endured it for me out of His great Love for me, that Christ willingly came as a sacrifice, and I was melted to tears by His love, condescension and mercy to me, who was unworthy dust. My sense of separation ended at that moment.
Here is the second account:-
1977 was a disaster. I suffered severe anxiety, was given Valium by my Doctor, which I was later to discover, caused me to suffer severe depression. During 1977 I became suicidal, my thinking hopelessly distorted by the effects of Valium and exhaustion. I tried to continue my church duties, but it was very hard. Irrational fears would overwhelm me, such as a dread of being called up to National Service in the army, even though there was no conscription at that time. I found it difficult to eat. It was a major event to get through a single day. In the summer, for six weeks, I encountered what the puritans call spiritual desertion: all sense of the presence and comfort of God disappeared and I despaired. I felt cast off and cut off from God, and had no evidence or assurance of my salvation. I clung desperately to the Scriptures, still believing them to be the inspired Word of God which promised grace, though all my experiences testified that I was lost and without God. I also clung to my experience of 1975, when I had full assurance and felt that I saw things very clearly. This desertion experience came to an end one Sunday morning when our minister preached on Christ's saying 'My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?' I saw how much more agony Christ had suffered in his separation from the Father on the cross and coincidentally, my condition began to be relieved.
During this time, my wife, the pastor and the members of the church struggled to cope with me. They did not know how to help; they had never experienced anything like it before. This was very much a cognitive battle against powerful emotions. It was a matter of continued obedience. Christian theology, especially of this Calvinist kind, subtly devalues feelings and sensations in favour of obedience to authority. Though fundamentalism helped in some ways, it caused further problems at other levels. It insists that man is a sinner who can do nothing to save himself. Indeed, ALL ATTEMPTS AT SELF HELP ARE VIEWED AS INDICATIONS OF PRIDE, which only deepen sin. I was never the same again.
As I emerged from my depression at the end of 1977, all the bitterness, frustration, anger exhaustion and hurt boiled over. Just as I thought I had overcome, I was overwhelmed by these negative feelings. The church and the Pastor in particular became the focus of my venom, (rightly so I felt at the time). I resigned from the Deaconate and left the church in early 1978, with my longsuffering wife as well as a close friend and his wife, who interestingly enough had gone through very similar problems at the same time. We left very much under a cloud: it was not possible to leave with dignity – the Pastor was too worried about us causing division in the church and branded us as backsliders and perhaps not even saved by Christ. For six months we attended a local Pentecostal church where initially, I found it's more spontaneous meetings fresh, positive and enjoyable. Eventually though, my friend and his wife drifted back to our original Church; I ceased going anywhere and my wife then returned to our original Church too. My returning friend, desperate to be accepted again and to be involved in preaching and leading never seemed to be himself again, but to always be putting on a mask in order to gain the approval he needed from the minister, and which was so begrudgingly given or more usually withheld. Just occasionally, when the minister was absent, his real nature and character surfaced again, but ultimately, after about ten to fifteen years, he moved to another church again, never to return, and never to gain the appreciation that he so desperately needed from the minister, not even at his funeral.
My involvement in Christianity after this became erratic. By 1978 I was not thinking too clearly and in any case, with regard to the church, the whole place seemed very oppressive because despite all, it still had an emphasis on duty, law, doing things properly and in order and such like. For two years, on and off, I attended the Pentecostal church. Pentecostalists are like the New Agers of Christianity: the experience is the thing but there is little in the way of a critical approach or in the way of testing the genuineness of various phenomena. I loved the emphasis on praise, openness and spontaneity. It was such a great release from the legalistic restraints of my previous church. I mention this as a side note, because of course, spiritual gifts were also present and I had a considerable interest in them. Every week without fail, one or two would speak in tongues and there would be an interpretation of each of these. The tongue speaking was, I think, a form of automatic speech, which was claimed to be a heavenly tongue. But there was ALWAYS an interpretation. Interpretations were always vague, in the sense that newspaper horoscopes are vague...they were either general praises, general injunctions to holiness, or vague promises of blessing...no one said anything like 'Next Tuesday morning Fred Jones will have an unexpected visitor.', or anything specific like that. One Sunday morning a man prayed in a tongue that appeared quite superior in quality to the usual stuff: it had a greater variety of phrases and syllables and I then realised that this was an Italian man speaking in his native tongue. Significantly, this was the only occasion that no one interpreted and the only time that such an event could have been tested easily.
I finally rebelled in 1979 after all my depression and exhaustion. I was spiritually exhausted: I could not stand to see theological books on my bookshelves, God appeared monstrous and sadistic to me after all my suffering in depression. I became bitter, especially concerning the pastor of my first church, yet at no time did I consider that God did not exist. Despite resting, I entered a cycle of rebellion then return, further rebellion and return again. The conservative nature of reformed evangelicalism sat increasingly uneasily with me. I asked too many questions, became too individual, but it was to take fifteen years to leave Calvinism. My spiritual experiences still seemed very Real and they were difficult for me to explain outside Calvinism and I could not be deny them, but my heart left Calvinism in the early eighties. My mind would not shake it off until the 1990's, so this time was a period of inner conflict and a searching for truth and growing interest in psychology. 1979 was also the year that my father died.
Christian Fundamentalism proved inadequate at dealing with my depression: I was told I did not have the right faith, or enough faith or something similar; so I turned to self-help psychology literature. To Fundamentalists, these books had far too much emphasis on the self or had an atheistic philosophy or both. I was continually being told to deny myself and this seemed increasingly absurd. During my depression and subsequent conflicts I became more introverted and withdrawn and felt like a square peg in a round hole when it came to fitting in to the fellowship on my periods of return. Nevertheless, if it had not been for my heightened experiences prior to my depression, I think I would have gone under: I would have gone mad or committed suicide. I just would not have had the inner resource to cope.
During this time my two daughters were born.
The five years immediately following my depression WAS a roller coaster ride. I fluctuated on a monthly cycle from a mentally taut, near manic state to days of depression. Normal life was difficult. During all this time I never sought medical help or counselling...I was far too scared during my intense depression period in 1977 when I thought I was going mad and would be locked away. The one apparently sane anchor was the Bible, which I felt to be absolutely, unquestionably true in the light of my previous ecstatic experiences. Even if I did not now feel it to be true, in my mind I knew it was true, and clung to its word and testimony. I did not seek counselling in case anyone sought to undermine this one anchor of steadfastness and hope. Even in my greatest rebellions I could not shake off the idea that the Bible was God's word and that God really existed.
It was only as time distanced me from the immediate effects of these experiences that I eventually sought medical help and by 1982, I ended up on a years course of antidepressants, to help stabilise my condition. The antidepressant was Triptizol and worked wonders, but also caused new problems. The day before I started the tablets, I found myself most irritated by the Tannoy announcement system at work. I took the tablets and the first effect was pins and needles in the brain. Then, I became very relaxed and the Tannoy system was just not important anymore. I developed a ready sense of humour, became quite giggly and I remember thinking that this new mood was how I used to feel as a child. The problem was a philosophical one: Within a week, things 'out there' ceased to irritate and annoy me and I developed a ready sense of humour. My moods began to stabilise and I became relaxed and easy going. But what had changed? Nothing 'out there’ had changed. Only my perception of reality had changed and the problem was which perception was correct? How did I know what reality was? We all think that what we perceive is correct, but now I became aware of just how much we interpret reality.
During this time I perused a number of self-help psychology books and my slight interest in psychology deepened as some of these books provided positive help in remedying my low self esteem, guilt and lack of confidence. There is increasing evidence that reliance upon church or state or astrologer or some other external authority fosters a passive-dependent lifestyle in which responsibility for personal growth is evaded. I decided that I had to take some of that responsibility on board and I felt that no one had a right to deny me or anyone else access to views and arguments that in promising to help also promised to challenge me.
I went through periods of spiritual and religious rebellion and then through attempts to re commit myself to the Christian life. In the early 80's, I began to try and sort out my difficulties by study of Scripture. I wrote a church constitution clarifying my role with Elders and the extent of their authority, together with the scope of my own duties and responsibilities. I wrote a study of evangelism that differed from the accepted orthodox view. In my spiritual gifts study I had adopted a position that gifts still continued at certain times and seasons as special providences of God and that they had in themselves their own evidence as to their Authorship: an argument drawn from John Owen and John Calvin and for quite some time, this was enough. This argument is closely related to arguments and evidences for the Authorship of Scripture, which is the highest spiritual gift in many ways, being supposedly inerrant inspired revelation.
However, despite the antidepressants, I still remained somewhat unstable in mood and opinion. I went back to the church for a while, but I was like a square peg in a round hole. Even though I still accepted the Bible as the Word of God, I placed a different interpretation on much of the practical outworking of it. I became aware of what I thought of as too much superficial thinking and hypocrisy in these fundamentalist circles. I also knew that I would only be accepted if I conformed to the orthodox fundamentalist view. I recognised that my interpretation was my opinion: just one view of reality and that I could not be dogmatic about it, but neither could I accept the dogmatism of others. I was beginning to become dissatisfied with the 'established church dogma' in other words. When I presented cogent Biblical arguments for my views, these were rejected with statements like 'You cannot prove everything from the Bible!' This from fundamentalist leaders! I resented anyone telling me what books I should or should not read and it was becoming clear that for a fundamentalist, a lack of firm dogma meant a lack of commitment. All the various Christian views were just competing shades of grey to me: nothing was black or white. If things were not so certain, then I felt that I could not give a great commitment to them. There was an increasing dissatisfaction and a growing feeling in me that I had been wrong in my life choices and that I had missed out on various worldly pleasures. Events would happen like some church members being involved in a car accident but escaping severe injury. They came back praising God for His mercy, but I thought, if God is God, why did he let it happen in the first place? All the strain of these changes and uncertainties finally took their toll. I entered another period of rebellion against God and everything.
My marriage broke up in 1984 under the strain of all these events and I had a wild and passionate affair. I visited the Pastor with the woman I was going out with just to upset him and many of my Christian friends supported me during this confused emotional time by refusing to talk to me, or walking across to the other side of the street to avoid me. Needless to say, that hurt me, though I know I hurt others as well. Within three years my new relationship broke up and following the death of my mother I lived alone. In sincere repentance I began to return to God and Christian interests, not to my old church, but to another fundamentalist church, under the gentle and friendly persuasion of my second wife to be, B______.
I also began studies with the Open University in social science. Because of my experiences, psychology had interested me for some time and I decided to seek a degree in psychology. I was introduced to thinkers like Karl Marx as well as a wide variety of psychologists. I then regularly attended B______'s church at Astley, near Leigh. This church was in some ways very much like my original church in its early days with B_____ T_____. At this time, rather academic matters like the nature of the soul occupied my mind. After our marriage, we attended W_____ H______B______ Church, another fundamentalist church. Open University trained me a little in critical thinking and introduced me to a wide variety of theories and I eventually came away with a B.Sc. (Hons.) degree. Open University also sharpened, (though some may say dulled) my political awareness. I emerged as a working class Marxist/Pluralist. I was no longer sympathetic to right wing, middle class traditional values. Of course, right wing middle class traditional values are the very values that infuse most fundamentalist churches. So, even more, I was now a square peg in a round hole, unsympathetic to much of the social agenda in fundamentalist churches.
I'm sure that many of my fundamentalist friends would like to blame Open University and psychology for my eventual withdrawal from fundamentalism, since this would provide a ready target of some alternative philosophy to Calvinism. But this is not so. My withdrawal actually came as a result of my continued studies on the theme of spiritual gifts and from fundamentalism’s own inadequacies and contradictions. In terms of psychological theories, the nearest I came to accept was George Kelly's Repertory Grid theory. This is not a philosophy but a way of measuring people’s beliefs and examining them. Open University encouraged an eclectic approach, where appropriate theories with regard to the problem were used. I did not come away with a global psychological worldview.
The crunch issue was this: if spiritual gifts such as tongues and healing, like Scripture, were self evidencing; if they contained within themselves their own irrefutable evidence as to their Godly authorship, it seemed reasonable to ask: exactly what is this evidence in particular? I began to study widely. My first shock came on reading 'The mind of the Bible believer' by Edmund Cohen. Here was a critical essay on fundamentalism by an ex fundamentalist. I had never read anything by an ex fundamentalist before. All the people I knew who had 'left the faith' had either faded away or left in rebellion. Either way, it was considered that either they were 'backsliders' and would return eventually, or if not, they were never 'true' Christians in the first place and had never really understood the doctrines of grace. Here, in Cohen’s book, for the first time for me, was an ex fundamentalist actively criticising fundamentalism. It was clear that he understood fully the doctrines of grace and had once embraced them. He was now clearly and eloquently rejecting them. Quite why it surprised me I do not know, because Jonathan Edwards had given clear indication that such a thing was possible in his work on the religious affections. Alongside this, the inadequacies of fundamentalist arguments for inspiration, inerrancy and the authority of Scripture were becoming clear. I began to take the view that if Scripture really were the Word of God and that the doctrines I had drawn from it were correct, then they would stand up to human argument. It would not be possible for humans to effectively criticise God. What good would a faith be that cannot stand up to these simple questions and criticisms?
However, Calvin, Owen, Luther, Packer, Young, Strong, Warfield, the Westminster Confession, Sword and Trowel and the rest were all failing to supply adequate arguments for Scripture inspiration and inerrancy. It occurred to me that rarely was this subject dealt with in fundamentalist circles. If it was, specious arguments were often given, which when combined with existing beliefs and commitments, seemed to be sufficient. Other books such as Lane Fox's 'The unauthorized version' compounded the problems where inconsistencies in Scripture were outlined. The final nail in the coffin was James Barr’s book, 'Fundamentalism'. Further inconsistencies of Scripture and other problems in fundamentalism were outlined, many of which I readily identified with. The arguments against fundamentalism seemed unanswerable. Furthermore, fundamentalism seemed now to be a stagnant, dogmatic, right wing conservative authoritarian structure. It was censorious and closed to open debate.
The axe had been laid to the root of the tree of Christian fundamentalism. Without the authority of inspired revelation in the form of Scripture, the entire edifice began to collapse. It was not a pleasant experience and by 1994, I was in the middle of it. My whole orientation and identity appeared to collapse. I was not sure who I was, where I was going or why. I alternated between bitter resentment of fundamentalism and a longing to return to its cosy security. But every time I returned to it, the doubts and evidence against it soon caused me to reject it. Yet it was also a liberating experience, a freedom from constraints and standards which I no longer agreed with or which no longer reflected my views, or which no longer seemed to work. At times I was afraid of eternal damnation. At times I returned to prayer and found comfort. It was still by no means clear to me that God did not exist, but the evidence, as with gifts, was hard to find. I remembered my experience of 1975. It was the highest of at least three similar experiences and it's impressions were difficult to deny.
The end result was that my interpretation of the experience was questioned. This was because other believers in different, contradictory religions had received similar experiences couched in their own religious framework. Even non-religious people had received similar experiences. The experience is beyond doubt: a transforming, elatory, humbling and transcendent experience, which language is insufficient to capture: and it just happened to be framed by my world view at that time, as on the other occasions.
I left W_____ H______B______ Church, since I found myself increasingly unhappy there and attended Christ Church, a Church of England fellowship near to home. This was a very relaxed fellowship and gave me time and opportunity to think a little more. I studied outlines of Biblical criticism and then did a personal study on authority in the church and the place and nature of Scripture. I looked at other early Christian writings such as the book of Enoch and I Clement. Whilst happy with such ideas as two authors for Isaiah, and Paul not being the author of the Pastoral Epistles and so on, the authority of Scripture as a cohesive document was undermined. To move to a context where I understood the writers to be writing in their own historical perspectives meant a depreciation of the authority of Scripture as God's truth. To begin regarding Genesis as figurative and the so called words of Jesus being rather what early Christians thought or wished or summarised what they thought he had a said all seemed to me to be a greater difficulty of harmonisation than the more literal approach. The main thing was that the coherent authority had gone and though the Scriptures may be remarkable documents, with many wise sayings and insights, they were no longer authoritative in a way that I could understand or build on. I had been trained in the view of plenary inspiration as promoted by B. B. Warfield and this had been for me internally coherent and logical. But now, the evidence for such a view was lacking and even more, was positively against such a view, but the alternative view of the Scriptures for me was that they were simply men's opinions, and though the ideas and literature were in many ways superior for me to books like the Koran, they nevertheless were exactly of the same nature. I began to see the Bible as a collection of contradictory, discrepant books that had been written by superstitious ethnocentrics who thought that the hand of God was directing the destiny of the Hebrew people.
I explored other philosophies such as existentialism with which I identified to a moderate degree. For about twelve to eighteen months I sought to adopt a liberal Christian position, but found this impossible: I was just selecting bits of Scripture that I liked and none of it had any real authority for me. I explored the history of the reformation by writers other than fundamentalists and found much that I did not like: its cruelty, narrowness and censoriousness, but I still enjoyed that sense of revolution and overthrow of corruption. I spent some time looking at diverse religions like Judaism, Hinduism and Islam, but found these to be inferior to Christianity in my opinion. By late 1995, attendance at Christ Church had wavered. Other, more modernistic approaches to Christianity seemed to distort the meaning of Scripture into something else and I could not accept these either.
My continued studies of spiritual gifts and psychological explanations of false gifts had led me to the U.K. Sceptics. From them I discovered C.S.I.C.O.P., the Committee for Scientific Investigation of Claims Of the Paranormal. Their articles proved interesting and I subscribed to the 'Sceptical Inquirer', a monthly publication where scientists of various specialisations investigate U.F.O.'s, new age thinking, astrology, spiritual gifts, healing meetings and so on, encouraging scientific thinking and exposing superstition and fraud. For a while I began to adopt their worldview. The fundamentalism that I experienced had a cohesive, integrated worldview. Once one accepted certain assumptions it was quite logical. It was not like some fundamentalist groups where mere affirmation of certain 'truths' was enough without a sense of integration. If one part of my fundamentalist worldview was altered, it often affected other areas. Leaving fundamentalism left an empty void in the sense that for a while there was no integrated, cohesive worldview. I did not know how to orientate myself on various issues or on what basis. I had to start from scratch. Liberal Christianity did not fit the bill. Secular humanism involving a reasoned, logical scientific approach seemed for while to fill the gap.
Following this brief period of secular humanism, which in the end just felt inadequate, I was discovering people like Roberto Assagioli. I really like his writings, for their depth, balance, definition of self and embracing, in a psychological way, of spirituality. Then I discovered Ken Wilber and transpersonal psychology whose model seemed to cover all my experiences and also to present spirituality within a stage model of development that was broadly accepted by a number of modern psychologists and thinkers. I did not have to deny my experiences and I did not have to distort them. Neither were they were dealt with as though they were the products of poor mental health. I was able to embrace these experiences in a positive way.
Despite leaving Christian Fundamentalism, spirituality, in it's broadest sense, remained an important dimension in my life and one that had to be acknowledged, though it could no longer be done so at a Christian fundamentalist level. Following obtaining my degree with the Open University, I went on to study for my Certificate and Diploma of counselling at Keele University and it was here, that I explored more fully the area of Transpersonal Psychology, of which Assagioli and Wilber were a part. For a while, I found myself quite absorbed about New Age thinking. Tucked in amongst the dross of uncritical New Age material were some interesting books. I toyed with the Qabbalah, the Tarot, Feng Shui, T'ai Chi and other similar areas. Much of it was either unsatisfying because it was immature, or elusive: leaving a vague feeling of truth but difficult to pin down. But this period of gaining a degree and studying a new subject also introduced a hypo-manic phase. This meant that my second marriage to B_____ collapsed. Despite this upheaval, spirituality still dominated my thoughts.
For a few years, Ken Wilber became the theorist who provided me with orientation, including spiritual orientation. His model, or map embraced ALL my experiences, in a positive way, without recourse to fundamentalist type religion. He provided a scheme that positioned fundamentalism and the New Age in relation to logic, existentialism and mysticism, and differentiated genuine Transpersonal experiences from false, regressive ones. He produced a scheme that had a differentiated view of levels of spirituality.
A further period of mystical exploration began however at the turn of the millennium when I also got married for a third time. After leaving Christian fundamentalism, I entered upon a period of spiritual near-hermitage. I did not become involved in any fellowships or religious groups apart from one weekend Buddhist retreat in the Lake District and peripheral work in the spiritual area during my studies for a Certificate and Diploma in Counselling. I trod an individual path, carrying out personal studies on different religions and in Transpersonal psychology. I developed my relaxation and guided imagery practice and found new thinkers such as Ken Wilber, Roberto Assagioli, Arthur Deikman, Julian Jaynes and Ibn al-Arabi. This involved the use of Free Imagery: an extension of Guided Imagery, but without the pre-planned script or template. An opening situation was planned, (the desire to see God) and then the Imagery was allowed to take its own course. I kept a journal recording the mystical experiences that occurred during this period, and a personal spiritual philosophy has been elicited from this journal that feels right for me. The journal can be found at:
http://songofsimon.blogspot.com/
Ongoing personal spiritual studies can be found at:-
http://spiritualminded.blogspot.com/
Intense spiritual experiences occurred again, but this time, they were not framed in Christian terms such as this example:
I tried my key, which fitted the lock, and before I knew it, I was in a vast, cathedral-like room. 47. Pews were laid out on a black and white tile floor. The vaulted roof was resplendent in gold and blue. There were ornate gold carvings everywhere, and at the front of the room, covering the ceiling and made of black stone, there was a huge eagle with wings outstretched. Etheria flew around the room. In the place where one would expect the altar to be, there was a stone table. From each corner of the table there rose a column and these supported a polished stone slab and dome. 48. Between the four pillars was a glass globe, blue in colour, in which specks of light were swirling around. I became aware of a pulsating humming sound, like the sound of an electrical generator or vast electrical power. 49. I asked Etheria what this was and she told me that it was the Hub of the Universe. I felt impelled to touch the globe, and this overcame my apprehension about getting an electrical shock or being hurt in some way. To my surprise, my hand went through the globe into the blue energy, and in a moment, I had entered it completely. 50. I became the energy, and expanded out being the specks of light that infused the whole Cosmos. I began to lose my centre of being and feel that I was in all places at once. 51. I heard Etheria say ‘As God fills the Universe, so God’s energy fills the Universe as the source of all life.’. 52. Then, the light seemed to dissipate and I found myself standing by the globe again. Etheria began flying in front of me and said ‘Come!’. 53. I grabbed her ankles and together we flew out of the Treasure Room, high into the sky, until the Golden City appeared as a small dot below us. Up we went, beyond the Earth, the Solar System, the galaxy, to the outer reaches of the Universe. ‘All this is God’s Treasure’ said Etheria.
Or this:
I decided, with their approval, to open the chest. 29. As I lifted the lid I saw that the chest was filled with an incredibly bright white Light that seemed to fill the whole room. Despite my apprehension, I wanted to enter this Light, to step into the chest, to get behind the light. I put one foot in the chest and seemed at times to become part of the Light itself. 30. This perception happened only momentarily, for fractions of a second. 31. When it did, I lost for a moment my sense of being in a particular place, the sense of being an object in a particular location. I seemed to fill the space in the room, indeed, to fill the space beyond it, and instead of being a central entity, I seemed to be distributed across all dimensions, to be in all places, both there and here. 32. I felt momentarily expansive. Then the whiteness of the light faded and I was back
Processing the information that occurred during these Free Imagery sessions has now taken over nine years and the most recent writers that I have come across that most closely reflect these ideas are the Sufi mystics Ibn al-Arabi, and Rumi; the Hindu commentator Shankara; to a lesser extent the Christian Mystic Meister Eckhart and some modern writers adopting the non-dualist Advaita Vedanta philosophy. I got a couple of articles published, one in ‘Transpersonal Psychology Review’ at the British Psychological Society, and a couple in ‘De Numine’, the magazine of the Alister Hardy society.
After ten years, this left a feeling of not being involved with any spiritual group or people. Friends would say that I should be teaching, or counselling, or involved in some religious organisation and indeed, career guidance had suggested lecturing or teaching and I was in many ways a trained and qualified counsellor, though counselling had left me a little disillusioned regarding a certain overall lack of coherence.
It was in this frame of mind that I decided to carry out a Repertory Grid Analysis in order to see the way in which I perceived these different options and why I seemed to be a little stuck with regard to moving into any of them. Initially, fourteen options were compared.
1) No fellowship: I learn from books, websites, lectures, television.
2) Attend a Calvinist Christian fundamentalist church
3) Attend a Pentecostal Christian fundamentalist church
4) Attend an Anglican/Methodist Christian church
5) Attend an informal house fellowship/experience meetings.
6) Go to a Buddhist retreat. E.g. Lake District.
7) Attend a Multi faith or Inter faith centre.
8) Go to a spiritual retreat, e.g. Findhorn, Counselling workshop.
9) Attend a Liberal Christian fellowship
10) Try something new and exotic. E.g. Islam, Hinduism.
11) Start my own meetings/lead own group.
12) Attend a spiritualist fellowship
13) Practice Transpersonal counselling/lecturing/teaching.
14) Go to a Yoga course/or meet a guru/leader.
By comparing these options, bi-polar constructs were elicited, with further, deeper, core constructs being elicited from them. In all, thirty two constructs were elicited:
Preferred pole Contrast pole
1) Intuitive, spontaneous, informal warm. Cold formality
2) Open, receptive to mystical experience. Closed, narrow, restrictive. A hindrance to immediacy.
3) Personal reward, satisfaction and achievement Frustration and dissatisfaction
4) Fulfilment of my potential. Poor performance, falling short of potential.
5) A sense of purpose and direction socially Lack of social purpose, aimless, meaningless.
6) Uplifting and absorbing: energising. Numbness, depression, tiredness, listlessness.
7) Accepted by others, belonging, connected, being part. Disapproved of by others, outsider, outcast, isolated.
8) Truthfulness and integrity Charlatanism, deceit, lies, untruths, party spirit.
9) Orientation, I know where I am Do not know where I am, constantly wrong-footed.
10) Confidence Bewilderment
11) At ease, relaxed, peaceful Anxious, guarded, uneasy, tense
12) Long lasting commitment to God and others Drifting, temporary and transient fellowship
13) Involved in the purpose and meaning behind religion Indifference, or involvement only in shadows.
14) Reaches depths of my being, real me, relevant. Empty, superficial, only touches surface.
15) Affirming of life and self Nothing, Annihilation, death.
16) Gives clear perception and vision of God and Reality Things stay as they are, status quo.
17) Sense of self-control, self-determination. Independence Manipulated, others force agenda, dependent on group.
18) A position of power and strength Weakness, loss of power, draining.
19) Mature, Adult Put into role of child, patronising, tendency to rebel.
20) Stable, level, steady, firm base, good foundation Unstable, fluctuating, up and down, unsettled.
21) Able to stand in storm and tempest May collapse or fall in trial and difficulty.
22) A sense of order, structure, discipline and boundaries Undisciplined, eclectic, free for all, chaos.
23) Being happy and comfortable Restless, uncomfortable, unhappy.
24) Not accountable to others Accountable to others – censure, disapproval e.t.c.
25) Able to build (on good foundation) Not able to build
26) Participation. Originality Following by rote: creeds, chants, set formulas e.t.c.
27) Part of my context, culture. Fits, established Unfamiliar, foreign, alien, square peg in round hole
28) Able to function well Poor functioning, Distracted, restricted.
29) Able to discover new ideas. Originality, Freshness Restricted to prevailing system. Clichéd.
30) Diversity, multiplicity, plurality, Transcendence Restricted to one ideology.
31) Involvement in spiritual counselling, teaching e.t.c. No involvement, keeping self to self. Hiding ones light
32) Tendency to altruism Self interest, even selfishness
Each of these was rated in importance, and then evaluated for each option in terms of how likely one or the other side of the construct would be fulfilled. This produced a network of figures, totals for each option and each construct and so on. But at the end of this exercise, I still felt that I had not quite grasped the essence of the problem, so a further set of options were drawn up for comparison:
1) Attend a Pentecostal House fellowship
2) Practice Transpersonal counselling in hospice or Mind.
3) Transpersonal counselling: own practice
4) Be a lecturer in a college following their syllabus
5) Set up my own lectures in a college or library
6) Be a spiritual mentor or guide
7) Teach or lecture in a Pentecostal/Quaker fellowship
8) Do occasional teaching or lecturing
9) Writing for spiritual magazines.
The bi polar constructs elicited were:
Preferred pole Contrast pole
MEANINGFUL, DEEP EPHEMERAL, LIGHT
SAFE, WITHINMY LIMITS OUT OF MY DEPTH
HEALTHY SELF-PROTECTION RISK OF EMOTIONAL HURT
HAPPY, SETTLED UNHAPPY, ANXIOUS
ORIENTATED BEWILDERED
IN CONTROL OVERWHELMED EMOTIONALLY
CAN FUNCTION CANNOT FUNCTION
RELAXED, SPACE CLUTTERED, TENSE
EVEN TEMPERED MOODY IRRITABLE
GOOD RELATIONSHIPS STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS
WITHIN MY FINANCES BEYOND MY FINANCES
NO GUILT FEEL GUILTY
LITTLE WEIGHT TO CARRY HEAVY BURDEN
IN TOUCH WITH OTHERS DISTANCE, BARRIER
GOOD FOUNDATION BASELESS
ORDERED, STEADY TOSSED ABOUT
FOCUSSED DISTRACTED
AT EASE WITHMY SELF PERSECUTE MYSELF
ENERGISING DEPRESSING
EMOTIONALLY SAFE EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLING
MY AGENDA SOMEONE ELSES AGENDA
SENSE OF LIBERTY BOUNDED, CLOSED IN
AWAY FROM HOUSE AT MY HOUSE
GIVING INFO PROBLEM SOLVING
NO QUALIFICATIONS NEED QUALIFICATIONS
NOT OPEN TO BLAME OPEN TO BLAME
TOUCH LIVES DO NOT TOUCH LIVES
STUDY AT OWN PACE PACE SET BY OTHERS
COMPANIONSHIP LONELY
HELP AND SUPPORT UNSUPPORTED
UNMONITORED MONITORED
THEORETICAL PRACTICAL
All of these two groups of constructs were rated highly: they were seen as important.
It was during the elicitation of the second group of constructs that a fundamental and deep-rooted conflict within myself emerged. My counselling training had revealed a problem left over from a stay in an isolation hospital when I was just over three years old. I sometimes get in touch with a deep seated and uncomfortable sense of isolation and loneliness. The way to remove this deeply uncomfortable feeling is by contact, often, just a handshake, a hand on a shoulder or hug. Thus I sometimes feel quite keenly my need for spiritual fellowship with like-minded people. However, this conflicts with another deep-seated emotional issue: I find being with people can be quite overwhelming emotionally; I feel out of my depth, distracted and unsure quite how to behave. Thus I can feel quite uncomfortable at social gatherings, parties e.t.c., and especially when I am first meeting people or in a new situation with people, such as working in a new place. Also, tied up with these emotional issues is a need for approval. When these sometimes quite powerful emotions arise within me, I am taken back to being three years old again: I either feel isolated and distant, or I am overwhelmed with churning emotions of uncertainty and anxiety, or I become very sensitive to a need of approval by others, and am deeply hurt and isolated when not approved of or criticised. It is this trio of emotional states, deeply imprinted by my hospital stay at the age of three that form a core problem. Knowing the issues, and working through them in my counselling self-development has not made them go away. Neither has staying with the feelings and trying to ride them out. This is a major reason why I could never be a professional counsellor: the emotions are too much like a roller coaster, and too exhausting. Similarly, if I were to stand in front of a fellowship or group of students as a leader or teacher, the strong need for approval would kick in. And that is what it is like: being kicked in the stomach. Not to be approved is to be isolated, and once again, the roller coaster emotions begin.
This second set of constructs got in touch with some of these issues.
In the end, the results of the analysis were:
1) The best option was the one that I was in: the semi-hermit; the individual walk. (42%)
2) The next best options were:
a) Writing (37%)
b) Pentecostal House fellowship/experience meeting. (36%)
c) Going to yoga class. (31%)
d) Starting my own meetings. (16%)
3) The constructs that scored negatively, in other words, areas of dissatisfaction, in the main option of keeping an individual walk and not attending any fellowship were:
-40 No participation
-40 No involvement
-40 Lonely
-40 Isolated
-36 Unsupported
-28 Socially aimless
-19 Do not touch other people’s lives
-16 Sense of distance from people, barrier
-16 Depressing
-14 Unhappy
-14 Moody
-14 Burdensome
-12 Self-interested
-12 Poor performance
-12 Drifting socially
4) The second option, Writing, does not satisfy or overcome these areas. Though not significantly related to the first option of the individual walk, it nevertheless scores negatively on most of the same constructs, so taking up writing, though an interesting area to begin, would not solve the feelings of dissatisfaction that I have listed above. These disadvantages are most countered by going to some sort of house fellowship or meeting. However, if I attend say a Pentecostal fellowship, I would have to attend Sunday worship and tolerate the narrow or restricted view of spirituality that they have, and I would find this difficult and if I lead a meeting myself, than I have all the disadvantages of the burden of the need for approval and the resulting emotional roller-coaster ride. Attending a weekly meditation/prayer group with the Pentecostal/Quaker context is quite appealing, but attending weekly church services is less so.
5) The fourth option, attending a Yoga class, I found to be surprisingly high up on the list of favourable options. The Yoga that I have in mind is not the keep fit stretch-and-bend variety, but the meditative variety. This does begin to give a sense of involvement with like-minded people if it is in the form of a class as opposed to a one-to-one session.
6) Finally needless to say, all counselling options scored negatively because of the emotional involvement, and they should be avoided. They scored highly in the areas of contact and purpose, and that is why they sometimes seem attractive to me when I feel isolated and purposeless. Teaching and lecturing offers orientation, purpose, meaning and some involvement, but being more distant, these options are more emotionally safe. They scored in the mid range, some slightly negative, some more positive. This trend encapsulates the main problem: I want to be involved and in contact with people, but the result is an emotional roller-coaster that is draining and produces tension and anxiety, together with a need for approval. Counselling provides most contact and most unsettlement. Teaching gives a certain distance but begins to create with that a certain sense of isolation, but it is emotionally safer. However, I only feel really safe more or less on my own, but then I am more isolated still. This reflects upon my whole social life: I much prefer having a few close friends to being plunged into a pool of being surrounded by many people and being out of my depth.
7) The Calvinist option was put in as a test. Bitter experiences of leaving a Calvinist church mean that I feel quite negative to this option, and indeed, it came out quite negatively as it should have done.
I felt that this exercise really did get into some of the nitty-gritty of the issues involved in my spiritual walk and I have come away understanding my dissatisfactions more clearly together with an understanding of options realistically available to me.
Then, in 2009, I was diagnosed as being hypo manic-depressive following a period of exuberant but not spiritual activity throughout 2008. This was as a result of finally arriving at what I felt to be a stable, coherent, integrated spiritual philosophy. I felt released from a long quest and the resulting euphoria led to a manic phase. I love these phases, but I do not always have proper insight into what they are and everyone around me seems dull and staid while I want to have fun. My third marriage collapsed.
Being diagnosed as a Bi-polar sufferer led me to an extensive personal study on the differences between mysticism madness and mania which can also be found on the web at:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/14800812/MYSTICISM-MADNESS-AND-MANIA-AN-EXPLORATION-OF-EXPERIENCES-OF-GOD-AND-MENTAL-DISORDER
The instability that arises from manic depression, with the accompanying shifting sands of changes of perspective have led me on a spiritual quest to find a spiritual philosophy and orientation that is deep enough, strong enough and stable enough to endure such changes and the trials that the world brings. It has lead to a position that embraces the expressions of all religions, Christian Fundamentalism included but which recognises that the Divine cannot be contained by any of them. It recognises that the Divine meets us where we are, and uses our imagination to create metaphors and analogies to explain and comprehend the Formless Incomprehensible Absolute. This philosophy can be explored at:
http://pilgrim-talks.blogspot.com/
Or at:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/22377168/Pilgrim-Simon-s-Modern-Spirituality-A-summary-outline-of-a-21st-century-spirituality
REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING.
Assagioli, R. (1975) ' Psychosynthesis' Turnstone. London.
McKinsey, C.D. (1994) 'The encyclopedia of Biblical errancy' Prometheus Books.
Porterfield, K.M. (1993) ‘Blind faith. Recognizing and recovering from dysfunctional religious groups’. CompCare publishers.
Psychological approaches to Fundamentalism:
Sargant, W. (1957) ‘Battle for the mind’ Pan London
Porterfield, M. (1993) ‘Blind faith – Recognising and recovering from dysfunctional religious groups’ CompCare U.S.A.
Hassan, S. (1990) ‘Combatting cult mind control’ Park Street Press Vermont U.S.A.
Cohen, E.D. (1986) ‘The mind of the Bible believer’ Prometheus Books New York U.S.A. (Neo-Freudian)
Thouless, Robert H. (1983) ‘Straight and crooked thinking’ Pan London.
Christian critique of psychology:
Vitz, Paul C. (1977) ‘Psychology as religion: the cult of self worship’ Lion. U.K.
Cosgrove, Mark P. (1979) ‘Psychology gone awry – Four psychological worldviews’ IVP U.S.A.
Liberal Christian critiques of Fundamentalism and leaving Fundamentalism:
Barr, J. (1984) ‘Escaping from Fundamentalism’ SCM Press London
Barr, J. (1977) ‘Fundamentalism’ SCM Press London
Humanist approach to Fundamentalism:
Kurtz, P. (1994) ‘Living without religion’ Prometheus Books New York U.S.A.
Historical context of Fundamentalism:
McManners, J. (Ed) (1993) ‘The Oxford history of Christianity’ Oxford University Press, Oxford.
Testimonies of former Fundamentalists:
Babinski, Edward T. (1995) Leaving the fold – testimonies of former fundamentalists’ Prometheus Books New York U.S.A.
Critique of Bible:
Lane-Fox, R. (1992) ‘The unauthorised version: truth and fiction in the Bible’ Penguin London.
